...
[8:47PM] Tom.Foolery: you know, I think that’s the sort of thing that requires me to confiscate your man card
Irvanos: I was never issued one of those, on account of being female
Tom.Foolery: lies! There are no girls on the internet
Irvanos: tell that to my two X chromosomes
Irvanos: there are a few of us out here
Tom.Foolery: I don’t speak chromosome. I speak internet
[8:48PM] Irvanos: that’s probably fine. I think my chromosomes speak internet too by now
Tom.Foolery: and you want me talking to them?
Irvanos: well...
Irvanos: no. Because I’m pretty sure I’ve heard something like that used as a pickup line
Tom.Foolery: ?
Tom.Foolery: I fail to see how that makes a good pickup line
Irvanos: it was an awful pickup line
Tom.Foolery: ah
[8:48PM] Irvanos: crap, gotta go, errands to run. I’ll talk to you later.
Tom.Foolery: allright. bye
Viewing: chat logs for October 10, 2012
[3:21PM] Irvanos: Gah, bad day. Got a minute?
Irvanos: and do you happen to know any relationship experts who sign onto IM?
[3:24PM] Irvanos: you aren’t there.
[3:32PM] Tom.Foolery: I wasn’t, sorry, meeting. Boring stuff, but it comes with the territory.
Tom.Foolery: wait, you need what?
[3:33PM] Irvanos: it’s a long story.
Irvanos: I think the best term is ‘sordid’
Tom.Foolery: Well now you’ve gotten me curious
Tom.Foolery: but no, I don’t know any relationship experts. In fact I think that it is impossible for any male to take that title
Irvanos: Take my word for it, we females of the species are no better
Tom.Foolery: okay?
Irvanos: I think... I just got dumped. And I have no idea what I did wrong
[3:34PM] Tom.Foolery: you think you did something wrong?
Irvanos: That was implied, yes
Tom.Foolery: And you can’t just ask them?
Irvanos: umm...
Irvanos: Have you ever had a breakup? That’s not how it works
Tom.Foolery: erm, no actually. I have no experience with this
Irvanos: of course...
Tom.Foolery: Sorry?
Irvanos: No it’s ok
Irvanos: mind if I vent anyway?
Irvanos: everyone I know irl knows the guy
Tom.Foolery: go ahead. For a small fee I will even agree not to post your relationship woes to reddit.
Irvanos: haha.
...
Viewing: chat logs for October 12, 2012
[2:04PM] Tom.Foolery: TGIF!
Irvanos: That bad a week?
Tom.Foolery: nah
Tom.Foolery: just looking forward to the weekend
Irvanos: got a date or something?
Tom.Foolery: date?
Tom.Foolery: I work in accounts receivable
Tom.Foolery: that’s not really a possibility
Tom.Foolery: but weekends let me sleep in and then go outside
[2:05PM] Irvanos: yeah, well now that’s me too
Tom.Foolery: ?
Tom.Foolery: Oh yeah, the breakup
[2:06PM] Irvanos: yup.
Tom.Foolery: something tells me you don’t have trouble getting dates though
Irvanos: eh, you’d be surprised.
Tom.Foolery: probably. you know my track record
[2:07PM] Irvanos: true
Irvanos: the problem isn’t getting *a* date, it’s getting a *good* date. Guys seem to be all looking for cheap fun these days
Tom.Foolery: perhaps you’ve heard this advice before, but...
Tom.Foolery: I would suggest not being cheap fun
Tom.Foolery: You should aim to be extremely pricy fun
Irvanos: ...
[2:08PM] Irvanos: This is what I get for bringing my relationship problems to some internet creep
Tom.Foolery: I would resent that
Tom.Foolery: but I live on the internet
Irvanos: haha
Irvanos: right
...
Viewing: chat logs for October 14, 2012
[12:56PM] Irvanos: crap
[1:00PM] Tom.Foolery: ?
Irvanos: I figured out why that guy dumped me
Tom.Foolery: and?
Irvanos: it’s your fault
Irvanos: I kid you not
Tom.Foolery: what did I do?
Irvanos: he kept seeing me typing into IM and thought I was talking to another guy
Irvanos: thought I was cheating on him I mean
[1:01PM] Tom.Foolery: ...
Irvanos: complained to his buddy that he thought I was ‘putting out more’ for whoever I was always online with than him
Tom.Foolery: wow...
Tom.Foolery: In my defense I thought you were a guy until tuesday...
[1:02PM] Tom.Foolery: I guess I’m glad it wasn’t someone who gets violently jealous?
Irvanos: haha. though I think he’d have had trouble finding where you live
Tom.Foolery: hopefully. I’m not exactly the sort of guy who can defend himself when an angry meathead with a baseball bat comes for my kneecaps
Irvanos: nah, I think he would have aimed a bit higher
Tom.Foolery: ... you aren’t helping
...
Viewing: chat logs for October 17, 2012
[10:22AM] Tom.Foolery: sigh. Dreary day getting me down
[10:24AM] Irvanos: dreary?
Irvanos: but it’s sunny out
[10:25AM] Tom.Foolery: it’s nasty drizzle in Portland
Irvanos: That where you are?
Tom.Foolery: near enough. should I be afraid that you know?
Irvanos: Nah. But if the next guy I date asks who I’m online with
Irvanos: I will have an answer: some guy in Portland
[10:25AM] Tom.Foolery: thus increasing the chances of meathead with baseball bat showing up at my door?
Irvanos: well you’re far enough away that I’d be able to give you some warning before he got there
Irvanos: if that makes you feel better
[10:26AM] Tom.Foolery: not really
Tom.Foolery: a headstart would only prolong the inevitable, I am not fit enough to outrun a meathead
Irvanos: haha. probably.
[10:29AM] Irvanos: so how are things in accounts receivable?
Tom.Foolery: job’s dull, coworkers are more dull, but that’s the way I like it
Tom.Foolery: only profession in the world where I am the most interesting person in the department
Irvanos: I don’t know about that. most of the people I know who have boring jobs just save their interestingness for off hours and weekends
Irvanos: how do you know that they aren’t just closeted interesting people?
[10:30AM] Tom.Foolery: hmm
Tom.Foolery: interesting
[10:32AM] Tom.Foolery: now that I think about it... maybe Kenneth over there is a speed eating competition state champion
Irvanos: that’s mean. making fun of the fat guy?
Tom.Foolery: fat? he’s a beanpole. but his lunch most days could feed an army
Tom.Foolery: he was the first person who passed my door while I was thinking about it
Irvanos: oh
Tom.Foolery: Dolores... hmm, harder. probably the matriarch of a snarky sitcom family
Irvanos: haha
Tom.Foolery: I could do this all day
Irvanos: but don’t you have actual work to do?
[10:33AM] Tom.Foolery: erm...
Tom.Foolery: your point?
...
Viewing: chat logs for October 24, 2012
[9:41AM] Irvanos: Yo, you awake?
[9:43AM] Tom.Foolery: are you implying that I sleep at my desk?
Irvanos: What do you call what happened on thursday?
Tom.Foolery: a... critical failure of caffeine
Irvanos: You fell asleep at your desk.
Tom.Foolery: I blame you. we were up on IMs till 3
Irvanos: yeah yeah. anyway
Irvanos: do you ski?
Tom.Foolery: umm...
[9:44AM] Tom.Foolery: I know how to put skis on and then crash into various things
Tom.Foolery: I know how to do an ad-hoc slapstick parody of skiing
Irvanos: haha. close enough
Tom.Foolery: why?
Irvanos: my stepbrother just got a job at a ski resort up there
Tom.Foolery: up here? must be on mount Hood
Tom.Foolery: closest place I know of with decent skiing
Irvanos: that’s right... we’re going to visit
[9:45AM] Tom.Foolery: we?
Irvanos: my stepdad, my mom, me, and my sister. I was wondering if you’ve been to the place before
Tom.Foolery: What’s it called?
Irvanos: Mt Hood Meadows, I think. I don’t ski well either, but my stepdad and sister are pro. Was hoping the locals (you) knew whether it was any good
Tom.Foolery: never heard of it, I haven’t been up that way in years
Irvanos: darn. also trying to figure out if theres anything to do up there but ski...
Irvanos: maybe some good hiking trails?
Tom.Foolery: when?
Irvanos: why do you ask? Planning a little creeping?
[9:46AM] Tom.Foolery: haha, no. Just curious
Tom.Foolery: and trying to figure out when I should make myself scarce in case you’ve found a new boyfriend by then...
Irvanos: unlikely, the plane is booked for thursday afternoon and I haven’t found a nice guy with a baseball bat yet
Irvanos: what are your thoughts on crowbars? big wrenches?
Tom.Foolery: planning to seduce a mechanic?
Irvanos: hope so, my car’s acting up again
Tom.Foolery: *face palm*
...
Viewing: chat logs for October 25, 2012
[11:09AM] Irvanos: hey, I was thinking...
Irvanos: there’s no reason we can’t meet up this weekend, right?
Irvanos: I can get free of my family long enough to find a coffee shop
[11:13AM] Tom.Foolery: you know, one of the big rules I have about people from the internet is that I don’t meet them
Tom.Foolery: that way people from the internet stay on the internet
Irvanos: haha, that’s a good point. Most of the people you talk to on IMs are probably creeps.
Tom.Foolery: present company not excluded most days.
Irvanos: I would resent that
Irvanos: but I live on the internet
Tom.Foolery: why did I see that coming?
Irvanos: So that’s a ‘no thanks’ answer?
[11:14AM] Tom.Foolery: lemme think about it
Irvanos: sure
[2:03PM] Tom.Foolery: I thought about it over lunch
Tom.Foolery: I don’t see any harm in a short meetup, coffee
[2:05PM] Irvanos: that’s the spirit.
[2:05PM] Irvanos: got a favorite hangout on the east side of town?
Tom.Foolery: not really, I’m on the west side
[2:06PM] Irvanos: hmm
Tom.Foolery: you know I’m a bit surprised you want to meet an internet creep yourself
Tom.Foolery: no fears that I’m some hunchbacked inhuman monster with a taste for feminine flesh?
[2:07PM] Irvanos: fears?
Irvanos: that’s what I *expect*
Tom.Foolery: right.
Irvanos: No, in all seriousness you’re a decent enough guy for someone from the internet, and I’m curious
Tom.Foolery: curious about what?
[2:09PM] Tom.Foolery: about what?
Viewing: chat logs for October 26, 2012
[8:52AM] Tom.Foolery: How about the starbucks in Sandy?
Tom.Foolery: wait, there are two starbucks in Sandy.
Tom.Foolery: http://bit.ly/ORdQjN
Tom.Foolery: that one
[9:02AM] Irvanos: works for me. I can tell my folks I’m going shopping, saves questions
Tom.Foolery: I’m a secret now?
Irvanos: erm
Irvanos: I guess
Tom.Foolery: I’ve never been a secret before
Tom.Foolery: should I feel accomplished? or scared
[9:03AM] Irvanos: you are aware that if you annoy me and then show up there
Irvanos: I can and will beat you to death with a ski pole...
Tom.Foolery: scared then
Tom.Foolery: that’s also the first time I’ve received a death threat from a girl
Irvanos: *sigh*
...
Viewing: chat logs for October 27, 2012
[12:52PM] Tom.Foolery: hey, you there?
[12:53PM] Irvanos: briefly so
Irvanos: leaving for the airport in a few
Tom.Foolery: was wondering how I’d know you
Tom.Foolery: at the coffeeshop
Irvanos: oh right. I was gonna wear my tee shirt that says:
Irvanos: “don’t worry, I’m from the internet”
[12:54PM] Tom.Foolery: but anyone who knows anything would worry
Irvanos: I think that’s the point...
Tom.Foolery: ah. Look for chick with “I’m from the internet” tee shirt. got it.
Irvanos: Anyway
[12:55PM] Irvanos: I gotta go.
Irvanos: I’ll leave you to finding a rental sportscar to drive up in
Tom.Foolery: I wouldn’t! I will drive my sketchy white van there with pride
Irvanos: haha, really?
Tom.Foolery: not really.
Tom.Foolery: I drive a Civic
[12:56PM] Irvanos: I think I would have preferred the creeper van
Tom.Foolery: I know someone who drives one though
Irvanos: maybe you can borrow it?
Tom.Foolery: no, that van scares me.
Irvanos: I’m being yelled at, leaving now, bye
Tom.Foolery: bye
Viewing: chat logs for October 27, 2012
[8:39PM] Tom.Foolery: darnit, you’re offline. No phone with IMs? No laptop?
Tom.Foolery: come on, be online, this is important
Tom.Foolery: all right. In case you look by tomorrow
[8:39PM] Tom.Foolery: My car broke down this afternoon. There’s no way I can make it to the meetup
Tom.Foolery: I asked around for a ride but no-one is free, not even the creepy guy with the van, he said he has a date
[8:40PM] Tom.Foolery: so so sorry about this, my coolant blew, car’s gonna be in the shop all weekend
Viewing: chat logs for October 28, 2012
[10:10AM] Tom.Foolery: Someone else has been in my IM account, fair warning, the service sent me a message about account theft this morning
Tom.Foolery: changing my password. Creepy. How long has that been going on?
[10:12AM] Tom.Foolery: Scratch what I said about the meetup being off, by the way, I yelled at the insurance guys until they covered a rental while my Civic is in the shop so we’re on again
Tom.Foolery: It’s a Toyota Yaris, though, about the only thing on earth I feel embarassed to drive. I think I’d prefer a Pinto
[10:31AM] Tom.Foolery: I’ll head out at 11, see you there
...
[11:15AM] MIM@734-2872: Hey, this is me on my phone account. Change of plans, other Starbucks in Sandy
[11:17AM] Irvanos: Ah, there you are. Just about to head out, checking in on my dad’s phone. Still driving that Yaris?
MIM@734-2872: Yaris?
MIM@734-2872: Er, no, I borrowed the van after all
[11:18AM] Irvanos: Er, okay. Still scare you?
MIM@734-2872: Not as bad as I remembered.
Irvanos: Why the change of plans?
[11:20AM] MIM@734-2872: Long story, I’ll tell it over coffee.
...
[12:45PM] Tom.Foolery: Hey, where are you? I’ve been here at the Starbucks a while and haven’t seen you come in
[12:47PM] Tom.Foolery: Did you wear the wrong shirt?
Tom.Foolery: did my Yaris rental scare you off?
[1:02PM]Tom.Foolery: Irvanos, where are you?
[1:38PM]Tom.Foolery: Hello?
This story written for Klazzform's Short Story Competition on dndonlinegames.com.
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